I'm having a visit with my mom and dad in South Carolina. Fortunately, their wonderful home weathered the storm very easily. In fact, the Isle of Palms suffered very little.
Seems like an ideal situation, right? My parents are doing well and are in their home. What's not to love?
The problem is, my parents insisted on discussing their estate and their power of attorney and the horrible, terrifying fact that that they will not always be here. Because, as they say, very casually, "Kate, we are in our 80s. Come on."
My response is to pretend that they will live forever. Because I will never be old enough to not be devastated by losing them. I am aware that everybody dies. Really. But I want my parents to live forever. They are smart and kind and really good company. I guess everyone feels that way about their parents. At least I hope everyone is lucky enough to enjoy their parents that much.
But, as I said, my parents are smart, so they have planned the details of their estate very carefully. With Dad having been a lawyer for almost 60 years, that part is well covered. But I learned things today about planning for death or disability that I thought I'd share. They aren't legal so much as they are practical.
First, senior citizens should share home security alarm codes with at least one trusted person. Second, someone needs to know the combination to the safe where valuable papers, like my dad's military service papers, are kept.
Third, at least two trusted people need to know the net worth of any aging person. The elderly have often collected a variety of insurance policies and bonds, IRA accounts, investment accounts, etc. They'll have jewelry they never wear that is nonetheless of at least sentimental value. These things matter. It's not greedy to discuss them. It's common sense.
This brings me to a fourth point that my parents have been really wise about: Sentimental items. Many a fight can start among grieving siblings about jewelry or old tools or an old car or other items that, in the scheme of things, aren't worth much. But, when children are grieving, things sometimes become a focal point, because the feelings are so hard to handle. My parents have seen this happen many times in their lives and don't want us to experience this kind of battle when they are gone.
So Mom has developed a system of dealing with stuff: She has a book she has created to deal with china, jewelry, decor pieces, etc. She'll take pictures, then email us daughters. If only one person wants it, she gets it. If more than one daughter wants an item, they draw for it. If the item was a gift, the daughter who gave it gets it back. If nobody wants an item, it will be sold or donated. It's a fair and sensible system, and none of us would ever disrespect her on something so important to her.
There is one important legal matter that I do want to address before I close, but first, I just want to remind you that I'm no lawyer (although I sure am related to a lot of them). Here's the issue: Not only should the elderly have a detailed living will, but they need to designate a child or another loved one to act as an advocate at the end of life.
Why?
Because medical directives are not always followed by health facilities. So someone needs to be a strong advocate to say: Here's the directive. It's legal. Follow it. Having my sister, Julie, who is a retired federal attorney, makes things easier for my parents. But you do need one strong willed person to stand up for a loved one's wishes.
Okay, I'm done. I'm going to go back downstairs and hang out with my parents. Who are going to live forever.
If you'd like to share your own home memories or tips (or recipes), send ideas to tkwolford@aol.com. Or you can write me via traditional mail at The Farmer's Exchange, P.O. Box 45, New Paris, IN 46553.